Family
Look around the world, and you will find that families come in all shapes and sizes. In my case, notwithstanding my Italian origins, I come from a small family of small families. When I say a small family of small families, what I mean is that I am an only child, my mother was an only child and my father had just one brother. Consequently, I grew up knowing nothing of hosts of siblings: brothers, sisters, cousins and assortments of aunts and uncles.
My wife, on the other hand, who is Indian, comes from a large extended family, where cousins are commonly referred to as brothers and sisters and where aunts uncles, grand parents and even great grand parents lived together under one roof. Although in the course of a few decades, this vast social unit was widely dispersed as the result of the drawing of new lines on the map of the sub-continent, - family visits are still frequent and prolonged.
Although there is no doubt that in many parts of the world, the extended family is still the norm, it is a norm which is in the process of dissolution. Indeed, in North America, Europe and even in parts of Asia, the new face of the family is small, nuclear, or even sub nuclear! In California, for example, where I lived recently for five years, serial monogamy, single parent families and similar anomalies seem to be the rule rather than the exception. The pressures of modernity, the changing role of women, the quest for affluence the emphasis upon individuality, and a host of factors have seen to that. Although no one would deny that the extended family is not altogether without problems: internal conflicts, exploitation and the like. The small or nuclear family also doesn’t seem to be any more satisfactory. In fact, the modern nuclear or sub nuclear family has created a multitude of new social problems: the whole scale loss of traditional knowledge handed on from generation to generation, individual psychological fragility and increasing social isolation are just a few of the consequences that have emerged from the new forms of social organisation.
The question that presents itself now and would seem to require an urgent and pertinent answer is, how do we preserve - or maybe resurrect - the values that have made the family the foundation of human society since the beginning of time. Firstly, let us not forget the primary role and purpose of the family. According to the Buddha, the family is first and foremost a form of social security. The Buddha spoke of the advantages of a grove of trees standing close together over a single tree standing alone. When the wind begins to blow and a great storm arises, the grove of trees will probably make it through, while the single tree is liable to be blown over. How many people today are blown over when problems arise because of the lack of family support? So it is clear that although we may ignore the value of a united family in good times, we do so at our own risk, because bad times may some day come for any of us.
Secondly, the key to sound family and social relations in Buddhism is reciprocity. The two most important relationships in the family are that between husband and wife and that between parents and children. In both these cases, the Buddha explicitly advises mutual and equal reciprocity. While a wife is encouraged to be faithful, industrious and hospitable, a husband is equally advised to be faithful, respectful and appreciative. Parents are asked to look after the education of their off spring, their future financial security and their moral sensibility, but children are enjoined to respect and support their parents and to look after the interests of their family.
Although the new realities of social and family life in the twenty-first century may seem to call for the reinterpretation of some of the specific injunctions suggested by the Buddha, the principle remains sound. If we want our family relations to remain strong and viable, we need to remember that making a family succeed as a social unit requires that all of its members fulfil their roles responsibly. Being a member of a family: a husband, wife, parent or child, means giving as well as getting. It means respecting and supporting each other. It means not looking only for what we can get out of a relationship, but also what we can put into it. If we bear this rule of give and take in mind, then no matter how big or small our family is, no matter where in the world we live, then the family will survive and will remain a source of comfort and strength to all its members.